Bushwick To Now Be Known As Septumville

BROOKLYN, NY—New York City Councilman Antonio Reynoso announced today that the Bushwick neighborhood in his district will now be known as Septumville. “Gone are the days of Dominican immigrants selling Herbalife,” Reynoso said. “The reign of blue-haired genderless aliens has officially begun.” The renaming was commemorated with a parade, in which the seemingly oblivious new residents marched down Myrtle Avenue chanting, “End gentrification! End white people!” New resident Lavender Sunbeam, who owns a café/queer art space called QUINOA, said, “I am NOT a gentrifier. I’m not even white. I’m Canadian!” QUINOA features a fully organic, vegan, and flavor-free menu, including its signature kombucha. When asked what kombucha was, Sunbeam said, “You seriously don’t know? If you don’t take the time to educate yourself, there’s nothing I can do to help you.”