Lori Laughlin’s Leaked Courthouse Testimony!

Your honor, it was never my intent to break the law. I didn’t even realize I was breaking the law. I just wanted to do everything I could to assure that my children who were born to millionaires got their shot at the American dream - blacking out on the lawn of a dilapidated crack den. And I had heard that USC had the most crack dens. 

Of course I didn’t mean any harm. I played the sultry Aunt Becky on Full House and the female Scrooge in every Hallmark Christmas movie. How could I do something illegal? That’s like saying the president broke the law!

Paying off that SAT fixer was an honest mistake. I thought Sat Fixer was the name of his sofa repair business, and I could’ve used his services on the new L-shaped in our second home theater. $500,000 may sound too expensive for a sofa repair, but this sofa is filled with feathers from ducks who were killed on Duck Dynasty! And as for that doctored photo of the crew team? Mossimo was taking a Photoshop class and made it as a homework assignment. At first he Photoshopped his own face over JLo’s on the Hustlers poster, but I convinced him to tone it down a bit.

Don’t you see? This is all a misunderstanding the size of an AP physics textbook - which both my girls got A’s in, by the way. But they’ve already dropped out of college, so just like my career, it doesn’t matter anymore! Your honor, I beg you to see the real side of this story. And if you’re having trouble, I have a brand new pair of Cartier glasses that might make things look a little clearer.