Area Vampire Successfully Undergoes Conversion Therapy

TRANSYLVANIA—Despite his family and friends insisting he was born this way, local vampire Igor Moroni claims to have successfully undergone conversion therapy. “I always knew deep down that I could kill my cravings for iron and the occasional West Nile virus. Thanks to Dr. Dufinney, I’m finally cured,” Moroni said, referring to Dr. David Dufinney, who runs the Count Change-ula Conversion Center. Dufinney, an ex-vampire of 20 years, insists he doesn’t deserve the credit. “All we do in conversion is pray, and watch as our filthy, hedonistic desires melt away,” he said, with a few spots of blood dripping from his chin. Others in the vampire community, however, remain unconvinced. “It’s a huge scam,” said Ramos Romano, a friend of Mr. Moroni. “I saw him on Bitr [a vampire-host hookup app] last night.” Bitr has over 3,000 registered vampires, over half of whom claim they are just curious.