Home Depot Employee Defects to Lowe’s

DALLAS, TX—Waves of change rocked the local home hardware world last Thursday when Home Depot employee Millicent Daniels left her job for a position at Lowe’s. “They wouldn’t let me out of the garden center,” Daniels said, wearing her new Lowe’s uniform. “I would be out in the sun lifting heavy plants and pavement pieces all day, and go home smelling like the mayor after a night at the brothel.” Ari Solomon, Daniels’ former manager at Home Depot, explained why he kept her outside. “Customers were freaked out by her lazy eye,” Solomon said. “And she smelled like the mayor after a night at the brothel.” After three days on the job, Daniels is happy at Lowe’s. “Everyone has more teeth here,” she said. “Plus, the blue uniform brings out my eyes.” At press time, Lowe’s management has only received three complaints about Daniels’ lazy eye.