Mom Born in Miami Makes Sure Kids Know How to Party

TULSA, OK—Despite living in Oklahoma for more than 20 years, Tulsa mom Renee Cabrera instills her Miami values in her kids by ensuring their party prowesses are up to par. “These are important skills everybody ought to have,” Cabrera said, while double fisting Four Lokos. “Before I moved here, nobody even knew how to do body shots.” Cabrera’s daughters noted some of the many lessons their mother has taught them. “She has a very holistic curriculum,” said Amelia, 16. “We don’t just study drinking. We also cover dancing, tanning, and making that flirty pouty face white girls always make.” Added Michele, 14, “We also do timed drills. Last week we practiced running from a busted party. I would’ve made it had my dress not gotten caught on that fence.” Cabrera hopes to team up with a local SAT prep school to offer her services to college-bound teens. “If you’re going to spend four years putting yourself into debt, you might as well have a good time doing it,” she said. “Now who wants Jello shots?”